Voices

Sup, internet. Look at me blogging again! I am on a roll! If I keep this up maybe I won’t be so repressed. Let’s be honest though. I am sure I’ll forget for a couple months, and then post again. However, that is not what I wanted to talk about this week. What I want to talk about is how bad humanity can suck. I always joke that we are long over due for a plague, but I am starting to mean it in a very serious way. It amazes me that there are people out there capable of amazing compassion and love, but for every one of those people there are, what feels like, thousands of the other. I am talking about the real pieces of shit that cause hate and discontent just for the hell of it. They go out of their way to hurt others. It is a sobering thought that there are more of these assholes than the good people.

Naturally, this train of thought has led me to seek solace in the only place I can find it these days. Music. Now, one of my all time favorite bands, Motionless in White, has a song on their most recent album called Voices. It’s kinda my new jam. In this song, there is a lyric that states, “I keep it all inside because I know that man is anything but kind.” When I heard this song, it hit me right in the feels because it rings with truth. I know I keep quite a bit to myself because it can be used against me. I don’t just mean bottling up my feelings, though I do that frequently as well, I am talking about my outward self that the rest of the world sees.

I have built a massive wall between myself and the rest of the world. I don’t want people to know what I am really like. I am convinced that if I do they will turn it against me. Like the fact that I love to help people. One of my love languages is service. Doing things for others makes me happier than almost anything else. Of course, once people realize this they tend to take advantage. They will take all I have to give without a second thought. There is also the more generic example of love. Humans are almost as bad at love as they are choosing a president. They either open themselves up to the wrong kind of love, and they end up a psychotic mess, or they take the love that someone has given them and use it as a source of power. They know that the person who loves them will do almost anything for them, and they use it to keep power and control. It’s a horrible, but it happens more often than we would like.   

I suppose the lesson this week would be to try not to be an asshole. I know that for some of you this is really tough because you know nothing else, but attempt to not suck so bad. The world is ugly enough as it is. Let’s not help it along by being unkind. 

Silent Majority

Howdy, internet. Thank God, it’s Friday. This week has been terrible. I honestly have no idea how I even survived it. It seemed like everything that could go wrong in a single week did. However, there is a bright light at the end of this crappy tunnel. There is this podcast I listen to. It’s called Other People’s Lives. If you don’t listen to it, you suck. It’s life changing. That is not the point. The episode they released this week was about a dispatcher who answers 911 calls. She deals with people who are having the absolute worst day of their lives. Listening to her story I realized something. I am an asshole.

There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who are having a much worse week than I am. They are living in all kinds of terrible conditions. Yet, here I am bitching about my slightly stressful week. Jeez. The thing that amazes me though is the people who decide not to let their worst day break them. Obviously, there are those who can’t face it, and either run way or give up. The flip side is those who decide that they can come through it slightly stronger than they were. It reminded me of a Nickelback song. (Yes, I know there are those that say “Nickelback sucks balls! EW! Quit being a sheep and except that they’re awesome.) The song is called Silent Majority. The chorus of this song says, “What if we all stand up? What if we don’t give in? What if the silent majority wasn’t silent anymore?” This I think relates nicely to these types of people. What if we all decided we wouldn’t let these hard times break us? What if we refused to give up? The world would be a much different place.

We could all draw strength from each other. If we could stand up and fight for our happiness and be there for one another the world wouldn’t suck so damn bad. We wouldn’t be a silent majority anymore. We’d stand together. We’d give each other strength. Then on those days that we can’t seem to find the strength to push through ourselves we’d have an entire movement worth of people to help. The thing that I would like anyone who reads this to take away is that you’re not alone, and to use your voice to stand not just for ourselves, but for each other as well. The world needs this. Speak up now, and can pick up the pieces. 

Rodger Rabbit

We meet again interweb. It’s been a rough week. It’s been the kind of week that makes me think that all life is good for is a swift kick in the balls. I remember growing up and hearing the tired cliché, “Life gets better.” I am sorry to say that I don’t think that this is entirely true for everyone. Obviously, there are those out there who had a turbulent time and came out on top. Good for those people. They are truly lucky to have been able to turn the tides and find that better life.  It’s remarkable. However, there are those out there that are not that lucky.  There are those who have a shit show for a life from start to finish. They grow up in rough homes, and they suffer many tragic losses in their lives. I would say for those people life didn’t get any better. They felt unimaginable pain with no reprieve.

This brings us to what I wanted to talk about. I was listening to music at work today, I know big shocker there, and a wonderful song by the name of Rodger Rabbit by Sleeping with Sirens played. This song has always spoke to me in plethora of ways. I feel like every time my life has changed, and I listen to this song I discover a new meaning to the words. There is a lyric in this song that says, “Nobody’s gonna feel your pain when all is done, and it’s time for you to walk away.” This really resonated with me. Despite how much we would like to believe that people care about what is going on with us that doesn’t mean that they can feel our pain. We are the only ones that experience it. Humans posses the ability to sympathize, but I don’t believe we can ever truly empathize.

It’s like Tolstoy says, “Every happy family is alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way.” Our troubles are uniquely our own, and we all react to them in different ways. There is no one that can feel our pain but us. We expect them to understand it, and they simply can’t. This leads us to lash out, or even walk away. I understand being unhappy. I understand going through hard times, but we need to stop pushing people away for not being able to empathize with us. I know this is difficult. Hell, it’s damn near impossible, but we have to try. By pushing these people, we gain nothing. We lost our support system and end up alone.

Here is the lesson I hope that you take away from this: I know that life can be a big ol’ bag of dicks, but please don’t push people out of your life because of it. This life is hard enough without having to go at it alone. The people in your life may not be able to understand what you pain is, but they can help you survive it. Life may not get “better”, but it can get more bearable. 

F.E.A.R- False Expectations Appearing Real

Hello Internet, it’s been a while. I always say I am going to do a better job of keeping up with this blog, and I always fall off the horse, but what the hell. I am going to give it another shot. I have talked about a lot of different things on this blog, but I always try to leave you guys with lesson. Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do. I don’t even know you. I can, however, leave you with something to think about. I try to use things that happen in my life to inspire these lessons. I do this because my life is the only thing I really know well enough to write about. So, here we go again.

I recently moved to Salt Lake City, and I love it! The people are so friendly, and it’s a really beautiful state. I am really pleased with my move. It was incredibly frightening though.  It was a terrifying prospect to move 650 miles by myself. I don’t have any real family that I am close with up here. I have my best friend, but that’s about it. I have always lived with someone else. Be it a roommate, or living with my grandparents. The point is this was the first time I have ever lived completely by myself. I knew that going into this, but it still scared me shitless. However, I didn’t let that stop me.

We all have things that terrify us. We are afraid to go on vacation because there is so much more work that needs to be done here. We are afraid to tell someone we have feelings for them because we might get rejected. There is a line in the Divergent series where Tobias tells Tris, “…fear doesn’t shut you down. It wakes you up.” I feel like this is something to aspire to. Why should we let fear get the better of us? We should over come it. Courage is not the absence of fear it is simply deciding that there are more important things than the fear.

The lesson I want you guys to take away from this is to leave courageously. I know that life is scary, but I also know how amazing it can be if you just live it. Go do the thing that scares you. Yeah, it may not turn out the way you hope. It could even turn out bad, but wouldn’t you rather be able to say you tried. There is nothing worse in this life than regret. Regretting not spending time with someone before they die, or regret for not telling someone you loved them when you had the chance. Don’t let fear shut you down. 

Going Through the Motions

Well music has once again proven to be quite the inspiration for this blog. As many of you know I listen to music pretty much 24/7. I wake up to it, and I fall asleep to it. I shower with it, work with it, think violent thoughts with it.

This week I have been really grooving on a band called Myka Relocate. Total side note: they’re amazing, and you should check them out. Anyway, they have this song called The Young Souls. There is this lyric in the song that says, “So busy saying that we care…have we forgot the meaning?” How impactful.

This to me is asking if we really feel the way we do, or if we’re just saying it because it is expected of us. Like when someone says, “I love you.” Most automatically reply with the same sentiment. However, how many actually mean it. Another common phrase is, “You can always talk to me.” I don’t think we realize how often we make this empty promise. I am not a saint in this. I’ve absolutely done the same thing. Yet I want to draw attention to it, so that all people we attempt to mean what they say.

The lesson that needs to be learned here is to not go through the motions. Don’t be so busy saying something you aren’t actually paying attention to what it is that you are saying. If you make a promise to always listen then you need to do exactly that. When you say, “I love you, too,” don’t say it simply as a reflex. You need to really mean it, and if you don’t mean what you say then maybe you don’t need to be saying it. Articulating feelings is never easy, but you should never feel obligated to say something just to placate someone else. Mean what you say, and always say what you mean. Otherwise your words are meaningless.

                                                                                                                                                                          

Safe Haven

Howdy, interwebers. I apologize for the leave of absence that I took over the last few months. The thing is I moved, and I also completely forgot to post. My bad. However, I am back now, so all of you who read this can rest easy that there are more lessons to be learned.

This week I wanted to talk about something near and dear to my heart. I want to talk about people. Even though there are lots of humans out there who are, for lack of a better word, assholes. They make it difficult to find any redeeming qualities in this planet. I see it every day. There are people who are just cruel because they can be. I thought I had pretty much cut everyone out of my life that was like this. I was so very wrong.

It turns out that I moved in with someone who takes joy in inflicting emotional pain on me. She can be so awful it’s a wonder I haven’t just said enough and moved out.  Your home is supposed to a sanctuary. A place you can go to be safe and secure. You go home to escape the horrors of society. My sanctuary has once again been taken from me. I trusted this person to safe guard our home from negativity and deceit, but I found myself surrounded by it more than I thought possible. I prefer the hustle and bustle of my menial job to my home. How truly depressing, but living with her has shown me to importance of being gracious and kind.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…sometimes the most wonderful thing you can do for someone is to show them a little kindness. You never know what they are dealing with outside the time they are with you. Show them that at least you care about their well-being.  Im not saying you should kiss their butts or anything. However, you can throw a complement their way every once in a while. Or even just sit and listen to what is going on in their lives. It’s amazing how much people can open up when you just shut your mouth, and be attentive.

The lesson I want you all to take away from this is simple; Simple acts of kindness. Open a door for someone. Tell them they have a killer ass, or that you like the way they smell. I honestly don’t care how you do it just do it. There is so much hate and violence in the world. Imagine what kind of future we could create if we just start treating each other with love and respect. Maybe Christ was on the something when he said to “love thy neighbor as thyself.”

True Confessions

Alright, interweb adventures; it’s time for some true confessions. I recently fell off the sobriety band wagon. I wasn’t addicted to anything trendy like heroin or crack. No, I am addicted to something most people don’t view as an addiction. I am addicted to hurting myself.

I know that some think that this isn’t a form of addiction. That it is just a cry for attention. That isn’t always the case. Of course there are those out there that do it simply for attention. Then there are those, like me, who do it because we are addicted to the sensation. There are also many different methods of self-harm. Some cut, some purge (throwing up food), some burn themselves, some bruise themselves…honestly the list is endless. I am a cutter. I cut because when the human body is punctured the brain releases endorphins. Cutting produces a high. That was what I got addicted to. The high.

The reasons behind self-harm are almost as vast as the methods of self-harm. For me it started as emotional release. To be honest it was easier to bleed on the outside than it was to acknowledge the pain on the inside. When I hurt myself I got to control the pain and the blood. I controlled everything about it. When I couldn’t control what was going on in my life. There were a lot of little reasons, but it all came back to old habits for coping.

I have been self-harming since I was in fifth grade. To date the longest I have managed to stay sober is a little more than eight months. It’s been my coping mechanism for so long. It is my automatic response whenever something negative happens in my life. I promise there is a point to all of this not just me complaining about my life.

The lesson I want you to take away from this is that you never know how much pain someone is in, and therefore be perceptive. If my aunt hadn’t been paying attention to the bloodstains on my jacket sleeves it could have been months before I got into recovery. If you have never self-harmed you have no idea how much pain someone has to be in to take a blade to their wrist, or to put a finger down their throat.  One in six American’s self-harm in some way. There are signs. Please pay attention! Most self-harmers aren’t trying to kill themselves, but as the cuts get more numerous and deeper…well accidents happen. Be understanding if you do discover someone has this terrible habit. You could be the only thing standing between surviving and death for a loved one.

Be kind. 

WTF America?

Alright, I had every intention of writing this week’s blog about a Pentatonix song, but I am far to upset about something else entirely. As I have mentioned before, I have a few members of my family that are LDS (Latter Day Saints). I was in the car with a few of these family members yesterday, and they said something that really bothered me. They were talking about how their church is passing a new rule saying that they will excommunicate any member who isn’t heterosexual. This really bothers me.

                The LDS church teaches quite a bit about Christ. In one of their meetings they even asked all of their members to be more Christ-like. What I don’t understand is how it is Christ-like to tell someone they are unworthy of the love of Christ. That’s ridiculous. It’s often the people who deserve help the least that need it the most, and this goes beyond just one religion’s tolerance, or intolerance I should say.

                I hate prejudice in any of its ugly forms. I don’t care if it’s based on sexual orientation, skin color, hair color, or sock color. It just isn’t right. You can’t discriminate for any reason. You don’t see people with blonde hair throwing fits about being in the same room as someone who has brown hair. You can’t discriminate based on something that people were born with. Now, some will argue that gay people weren’t born that way. That it was a choice or that something/someone made them gay. Codswallop. I don’t ever remember deciding that I liked boys over girls. It was just something that made sense to me from the beginning. Same could be said for others that fall somewhere on the sexuality spectrum. I am a God fearing woman, and I don’t believe that God makes a wrong person. He made you the exact way he wanted you. You are beautifully, wonderfully, and fearfully made. So, why is it acceptable for these people to deny others their religion based entirely on their sexual orientation? I’m at a loss here. Help me to understand the twisted logic, internet viewers. As I have said earlier, I doubt anyone cares what I have to say, and I am festively certain that no one other than my grandparents read this anymore, but I had to get this out. I had to cry out at the injustice, and I’m not even Mormon.

                I don’t even know that the lesson from all of this is. I just want to ask you guys…no to beg you guys to stand up for any injustice that you see. There that’s the lesson. Don’t sit idly by while others are being discriminated against. After all if Martin Luther King Jr. had sat on his hands we would live in a very different world. We need to fight for the world we want to leave behind for future generations, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to leave this world broken and bleeding. 

Pardon My Past

                People are like dice. Each person has multiple sides. I don’t mean they have multiple personalities, but they do have different parts that make them whole. There are different parts that may seem incompatible, but they all come together in some form to make an entire being. One of my favorite shows as a kid, and even as an adult, was the show Charmed. I’ve mentioned it in some of my earlier blogs.

                In season two, one of the main characters, Piper Halliwell, is talking to her boyfriend Dan. She is arguing with him about her pervious love interest. She tells Dan, “I come with a past. We all do. It’s a package. It’s one that I would like to share with you, but you can’t pick and choose.” I really like what she is saying here. You can’t pick and choose what parts of a person to love. Well not if you truly love them. It’s like saying that you love their arms, but not their legs. Both are parts of that person.

                This message really hit home for me this week. I recently had a birthday. On that day I became twenty-one. This is supposed to be a pretty exciting birthday, or so I am told. I’ve been dreading it since I moved back home. I love my family. I really do, but sometimes I feel like they are picking and choosing only certain parts of me to love. They only like the parts of me that fit into their life style. My aunt is a devout Mormon, and she believes that I should behave the way her religion says I should. It’s not really fair because it’s not my religion nor is it my beliefs. It makes me think that she only loves the parts of me that conform to that set of rules, but those aren’t the only parts of me. I love tattoos. I have twelve, and I am still going strong. I also enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage. I’m always careful. I don’t drink and drive. I don’t get so drunk that I am incapable of taking care of myself. However, if she knew these different sides of me she would probably shun me. Same could be said for my dad. Again I love the guy, but I can never seem to make him happy.

                So I have recently decided to take a page out of dear Piper’s book. It is not okay for my family to pick what parts of me they like and discard the others. They either get all of me or none of me. I have spent most of my life trying to make others happy…even to the point of making myself miserable. Here is the lesson for all of you: be honest with yourself. If you are attempting to change yourself to fit others vision of who you should be…knock it off. You are who you are. Be that person and own it. 

We Define Labels...They Do Not Define Us

                YouTube is the greatest invention ever gifted to man. I, like so many, was looking at a funny video on this glorious site. As I was looking through my favorite Alx James’, hilarious YouTube extraordinaire, videos I ran across an old youtuber. He’s not old years, but he is someone I have watched since I was a confused junior high student. His name is Shane Dawson. He is also a comedian by trade.

This video caught my eye though because it was titled “I Am Bisexual.” It was not something I expected from him since all his videos were comedy based. I wondered if it was supposed to be funny, which would have aggravated me, but I decided to check it out anyway. It was a coming out video for him. He was doing something similar to what I do here. He was using it as an outlet to express his feelings, so that they were no longer inside of him. More on that in a minuet.

 In his video he mentioned being depressed. This is something I understand. There are so many more levels to depression than just being sad. A lot of the time is feeling anxious, and disliking an aspect of your personality or life. You have all of these feelings of self-hatred and self-doubt that you don’t know what to do with. They build up until you don’t know if you will survive the sadness or the fear. I just really want you to understand why this blog is important to me, and why Shane’s videos are important to him.

Now, back on topic. In the video he further describes  why he isn’t either 100% gay or 100% straight. In essence he said that we are not defined by labels. He is so right. He is SO RIGHT it hurts, and he is not the first person to say it. My best friend, who is also in the middle of the spectrum of sexuality, spoke very similar words to me over the summer. Words don’t give us meaning, but we do give them meaning. We are the ones that assign weight to labels. WE give them meaning. He chose to not let these words decide his fate. All he wanted to do was share this part of himself with the world without fear of rejection. I understand that more and more people are more accepting toward those who are not heterosexual. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t still people out there that are hurtful with labels, and they are not always understanding to diversity. He was brave to trust us with this part of his life.

The lesson I desperately hope you take away from this: we define labels. This can go two ways. Either I want you not to use labels to define other people, or I want you not to use labels to define yourself. I suffer from depression, but I am not defined by it. Shane happens to be bisexual, but he isn’t only that. He really spoke to me by saying that we aren’t what other people see in us, or even what we see in ourselves. 

Price to be Paid

                Music is one of the greatest things on the planet. It’s something that can connect people across the world. I listen to a wide spectrum of different genres. If you were to take a look at my iPod you would see anything from country to heavy metal to show tunes. Music is like air to me.  I need it to breathe. One of my favorite bands, Five Finger Death Punch, recently released an album called Got Your Six. I have been listening to it obsessively. One of the songs, Hell to Pay, really stuck out to me. At one point in the song Ivan sings, “…the hell I had to pay, everything comes at a price.”  He really speaks to my soul here.

                There are obvious things you could think of that come at a price. You go to the store, and you buy milk. To purchase the milk you had to pay the price of $1.99 or whatever it was you paid. I’m thinking of the more abstract connotations this lyrics provides. I am a devout Christian, and I do believe in the existence of a soul. I believe every human has one. The soul is a beautiful thing. It provides life to the person who it resides in. The other part to this is that there are some actions that can cost a person a part of their soul. I’m not just talking murder, rape, or any of the other God awful crimes humans commit. There are smaller things that will eventually cost you a part of your soul. I’ve seen it firsthand.  

When I left my home town I moved with my aunt. She was leaving and offered to take me with her as long as I helped her keep up pretenses. She had been lying to her boyfriend about where she lived previously, and she wanted me to help her keep up all these lies. I agreed because I had wanted nothing more than to leave Holbrook. Before I knew it the lies had spiraled out of control. I also was becoming more like my aunt. Not something to be proud of. She had convinced me that I was nothing more than what she gave me. Without her I would still be stuck in rural Arizona. She told me I was unattractive and, “that no man would ever marry me if I dressed like that (my usual jeans and band t-shirt look).” The price that I had to pay for so-called freedom was being abused by someone else. Not a smart move I’ll admit. I gave a part of my soul to follow this person. I lied to people I desperately cared about. By the end of it I realized that I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I didn’t like having a part of myself stripped away.

                The lesson here is to really consider what the price is for something. For all you smart alecks out there I am not talking about the grossly overpriced dairy products of your local store.  The price you need to consider when you take a person into your heart. If they are good for you then by all means let them in. However, I know some of you have a person in your life that does more harm than good. They make you feel insecure. They tell you lies or want you to lie for them. The price for having them there may cost you part of who you are. Consider that before it costs something you can’t get back.