Alright, interweb adventures; it’s time for some true
confessions. I recently fell off the sobriety band wagon. I wasn’t addicted to
anything trendy like heroin or crack. No, I am addicted to something most
people don’t view as an addiction. I am addicted to hurting myself.
I know that some think that this isn’t a form of addiction.
That it is just a cry for attention. That isn’t always the case. Of course
there are those out there that do it simply for attention. Then there are
those, like me, who do it because we are addicted to the sensation. There are
also many different methods of self-harm. Some cut, some purge (throwing up
food), some burn themselves, some bruise themselves…honestly the list is
endless. I am a cutter. I cut because when the human body is punctured the
brain releases endorphins. Cutting produces a high. That was what I got
addicted to. The high.
The reasons behind self-harm are almost as vast as the
methods of self-harm. For me it started as emotional release. To be honest it
was easier to bleed on the outside than it was to acknowledge the pain on the
inside. When I hurt myself I got to control the pain and the blood. I
controlled everything about it. When I couldn’t control what was going on in my
life. There were a lot of little reasons, but it all came back to old habits
for coping.
I have been self-harming since I was in fifth grade. To date
the longest I have managed to stay sober is a little more than eight months. It’s
been my coping mechanism for so long. It is my automatic response whenever
something negative happens in my life. I promise there is a point to all of
this not just me complaining about my life.
The lesson I want you to take away from this is that you
never know how much pain someone is in, and therefore be perceptive. If my aunt
hadn’t been paying attention to the bloodstains on my jacket sleeves it could
have been months before I got into recovery. If you have never self-harmed you
have no idea how much pain someone has to be in to take a blade to their wrist,
or to put a finger down their throat. One
in six American’s self-harm in some way. There are signs. Please pay attention!
Most self-harmers aren’t trying to kill themselves, but as the cuts get more
numerous and deeper…well accidents happen. Be understanding if you do discover
someone has this terrible habit. You could be the only thing standing between surviving
and death for a loved one.
Be kind.
